Again, the Hollywood Foreign Press Corps has forced us into an emergency situation, and so I am announcing the champions for the 1996 Drive-In Academy Awards one week early. The belated statement this 12 months had been thought to be hampering comfort efforts both in Bosnia therefore the Golan Heights, as otherwise cooperative events became grumpy while waiting for term from Grapevine.
Henceforth, without further adieu, our category that is first is.
Best Airhead Sex movie Turnaround, an erotic jungle-sex comedy about an unemployed actress who daydreams about consuming hallucinogenic jungle juice with nekkid Indians and achieving crazy intercourse like they do in paperback novels. She gets her opportunity whenever she actually is chased by masked gunmen into the Costa Rican valley for the white-faced, sex-crazed, flesh-worshipping, cuckoo-juice-drinking natives.
Most readily useful Director The runners-up are. Kim Henkel, Return for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Jack Perez, America’s Deadliest Residence Movie. Fred Olen Ray, Attack associated with the 60-Foot Centerfold. Anthony Waller, Mute Witness. Howard Winters, Dead Boyz Can’t Fly. While the champion is. George Saunders, Intimate Deception and Street Angels.
Most readily useful Sci-Fi Flick Cyberstalker: fundamental Instinct fulfills Tron in Newt Gingrich’s nightmare that is worst, the storyline of a nerdy, geeky cybersurfing femme fatale who really really loves her computer a great deal she’s intercourse along with it and becomes half-woman, half-computer, then kills whomever doesn’t always have the correct respect for great pc pc pc software.
Most useful Actor The runners-up are. Danny Bonaduce, America’s Deadliest Home movie, because the movie nerd whom falls in deep love with the gun moll for a cross-country killing spree.
Robert Davi, The Dangerous, as being a motorcycle-riding wolf that is lone talks Japanese and knows the thoughts of killer ninjas, and so the police chief brings him away from your your retirement and turns him loose with a few assault tools in a cemetery packed with medication goons.
And also the champion is. George Saunders, Intimate Deception, whilst the haunted musician surrounded by nekkid ladies who can not realize why he gets a great deal intercourse in a single film; and Street Angels, while the wisecracking cop who makes long speeches concerning the fighting abilities of fish.
Most useful Actress The runners-up are. Debbie Rochon, Abducted II: The Reunion, given that junk-food-eating redhead whom describes her boyfriend that is old saying, “we like pets. “
Kathy Shower, Married People, solitary Intercourse 2: For Better or Worse, whilst the ignored spouse packing up all her stuff, placing the youngsters within the place wagon, and having out of the lying scumball that is no-good’s hitched to.
Plus the champion is. Steen, Turnaround, given that blonde that is oversexed daydreams about planing a trip to Costa Rica, drinking some weird jungle drugs, and having sex to a nekkid Indian as he finger-paints all over her body–but settles for hot intercourse with goofball con man Fred Lehne.
Breast Actress The runners-up are. Paula Barbieri, The Dangerous, given that mystical gf whom wears a micromini and high heel pumps through the entire movie, such as the scenes where she is being chased by mobsters with automated tools.
Lissa Boyle, buddy associated with the Family, due to the fact hot-to-trot child known at the twelfth grade as a United Method Agency; and Intimate Deception, because the knockout nude model who really loves her work, saying, “we glance at myself as a vital ingredient into the art of creation. “
Theresa Morris, personal classes: Another tale, the hot party that is little whom simply keeps dancing away on the roof of this stylish South Beach disco, where then she strips and does the Horizontal Hustle in the front of a neon indication.
J.J. North, Attack associated with the 60-Foot Centerfold, into the name part, for saying, “Help me personally, i am huge! ” and, “I’m a large girl–i can look after myself. “
Therefore the champion is. Patti Davis, Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis, wherein she reveals her weakness for “guys in undershirts and tattered jeans that become your preference that is downfall”–a that somehow pertaining to her memories of bodysurfing along with her daddy.
“Water happens to be a extremely healing thing for me personally, ” she claims, prior to a hunk walks from the surf and begins kissing every inches of her hula-skirted bod.
That is prior to the sci-fi dream where she dresses just like a hooker, dials within an ideal guy while the perfect girl on her behalf computer, then waits into a sandwich for them to appear in a cloud of dry ice, tie her to the bed, and basically make her.
Most readily useful Femme-Fatale Shauna O’Brien, buddy for the Family, while the walking Goodwill box who rings the doorbell 1 day, presents by by herself to your stepmom as a vintage friend of a buddy, and eventually ends up set up into the visitor home, where she’s intercourse with everybody else into the household.
Most Breasts Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis: 90.
Most readily useful Movie The runners-up are. Attack associated with 60-Foot Centerfold, the epic featuring J.J. North due to the fact ditzy blonde whom takes just a couple way too many breast-enhancement medications and eventually ends up stomping around Malibu such as the Godzilla Illustrated swimsuit issue.
We believe rabbitscams com journalism that is local Critical to your lifetime of A city
Engaging with this visitors is important to your Observer’s objective. Produce a contribution that is financial subscribe to a publication, which help us keep telling Dallas’s tales without any paywalls.
Help Our Journalism
Return associated with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the very first decent sequel towards the best drive-in movie ever made, about two prom-night partners whom have lost down on the road, the place where a creepy redneck called W.E. Roams around in a satanic wrecker, gathering figures and quoting literary works and trapping teen-age girls in gunny sacks.
As well as the champion is. America’s Deadliest Residence Video, the best movie ever built in Racine, Wisconsin, featuring Danny Bonaduce being a nerdy spouse deeply in love with their camcorder whom ultimately ends up operating through the legislation with three convenience-store experts who decide they kinda like having their exploits recorded on tape.
Spinal Tap satisfies Natural Born Killers. Once more, we had no overlap using the other honors making use of the expressed word”Academy” into the name (copyright suit pending).
C. 1996 Joe Bob Briggs (written by NYT Unique Features)